Maybe the Switch 2 will free us from reality

April 2nd can't come soon enough.

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Today's Agenda

Will the Switch 2 be a flex? What side hustle will be next? A doom loop for the excheq. Deals at the housing complex!

It's Almost Game Day

Is it bad to admit that I'm secretly looking forward to April 2? I am dying to find out all the details. The last time we did this it was what, 2017?? It feels like a lifetime ago. Sure, the price will probably be steeper this time around — that's how it goes with tariffs and trade wars! — but as a proud American consumer, I'm willing to pay anything to play Mario Kart. Waiiit, did you think I was talking about President Trump's "Liberation Day"? No, no, no. I'm talking about the Nintendo Switch 2 release on Wednesday. Gearoid Reidy and Taylor Tyson say a lot is riding on the game console's success: Full disclosure: I shamelessly purchased a Nintendo Switch with my Covid stimulus money and got way too in the weeds with Animal Crossing's "stalk market." I have no regrets!!! Nintendo makes a great product and as Gearoid and Taylor say, "the company has a moat in the games industry that almost no one can replicate." It'd be a shame if the empire went downhill from here, they write: "Little has been disclosed about the Switch 2, beyond the name and familiar shape, which looks a lot like the original machine. In the absence of a new hardware innovation or a new way of playing, like motion controls, is sticking a '2' at the end enough for the next Switch? Can it balance offering a familiar product with gamers' desire for new experiences?" Getting a bunch of people like me to toss their perfectly fine albeit "old" Switch in a junk drawer full of forgotten phone cords, a Nikon Coolpix and a defunct iPad is going to be difficult, and Nintendo's track-record on that isn't pristine. "It must persuade [Nintendo Music] subscribers, and the millions of existing Switch users, to buy the new machine, while enticing younger generations to play for the first time," they write. "A strong library of games will be essential to avoid repeating a past mistake: its long history of failing to follow up one hit device with another." What new games might we get? Mario Kart 9, A 3D Mario title, Zelda remasters — Twilight Princess, anyone?? — and Metroid Prime 4 are all being floated. April 2 can't come soon enough.

God's Country

I can't claim to know much about country singer Morgan Wallen other than the fact that Bobby Knight would have loved him and he's great at unintentionally making memes. Sure, performing on SNL is cool and all, but hightailing it out of Studio 8H before the credits roll and posting, "Get me to God's country," on your Instagram story with a picture of your private jet is hilarious! SNL should really hire him to write jokes. But what is God's country, really? Is it the Cheesecake Factory across the street from Buc-ee's? Is it an armed waitress handing you a burger and fries? Is it the Ford F-150 Robert Burgess says you might not be able to afford after tariffs? A president that Nia-Malika Henderson says wants to bulldoze over the 22nd Amendment? The pile of public debt Clive Crook claims the Fed can't ignore? A celebrity side-hustle that Tina Fey pokes fun of on Amy Poehler's podcast? Perhaps it's all that and more. But that last one seems especially fitting, since Wallen recently opened a six-story bar in downtown Nashville that sells gigantic meatballs. Have we hit Peak Celebrity Brand? MrBeast is a YouTuber, not Willy Wonka, and yet some dude on the sidewalk handed me six free Feastables peanut butter cups over the weekend. Meghan Markle is not revolutionizing the jam jar. Eric Trump certainly shouldn't be mining Bitcoin. And Jay-Z will make do without champagne if climate change destroys his precious grapes, which Lara Williams says could happen. But Erin Lowry says some of these celebrities are "working in industries notorious for having a short or inconsistent shelf-life. This includes professions such as an athlete, actor and even an influencer. In these careers, striving to accumulate as much wealth as quickly as possible could be reasonable." Wallen might be fond of God's country, but the Bible doesn't pay for a PJ.

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A Trio of Terribleness

So, here are three female leaders doing controversial things in Europe. France's Marine Le Pen was charged with embezzlement — on Eid, of all days! — and now she can't run for president in 2027 unless she pulls off an appeal. Meanwhile in Italy, Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni is proposing to give Ukraine NATO Article 5 guarantees without membership — a plan that Marc Champion says is "just crazy and clever enough to try." And in the UK, Rosa Prince says Chancellor of the Exchequer Rachel Reeves has "effectively trapped herself in a doom loop, leaving so little wiggle room to meet her fiscal rules, with headroom identical (to two decimal points) to the fragile £9.93 billion ($12.85 billion) in October's budget that was soon blown off course, that she'll inevitably be forced to take even tougher measures within months." The gall!

Telltale Charts

I know we're getting wayyy too comfortable conversing about incest with colleagues — thanks, Mike White? — but there's still RULES at the office. Like: Don't be creepy with female colleagues! Primark's CEO Paul Marchant seems to have missed the memo. This morning, he was forced to resign after an investigation into his "alleged inappropriate behavior toward a woman in a social setting." The executive reshuffling arrives at an awkward time for the retailer, Andrea Felsted writes: "Although Primark has been one of the few European retailers to crack the US, the competitive environment is getting tougher." I never thought I'd see a headline with the words "housing" and "bargain" again in my lifetime, but Conor Sen proved me wrong! Hell has frozen over, perhaps: "Builders and homeowners are demonstrating that they're more motivated to sell, giving potential buyers greater bargaining power this spring," he writes.

Further Reading

The EU deserves credit for keeping up the fight against climate change. — Bloomberg's Editorial Board Splitting the globe with China and Russia is more likely to lead to war than peace. — Hal Brands If Democrats can't channel their voters' rage, they may find themselves ousted by it. — Erika D. Smith Five years after Covid, America's greatest threat is our divided reality. — F.D. Flam MLB clubs that can spend big on star players give the league the biggest ROI . — Adam Minter Labour's tax raid on private schools is beginning to unravel. — Martin Ivens India's "Google tax" is a sneak peek into the tariff quagmire. — Andy Mukherjee Rio Tinto investors are within their rights to challenge the status quo. — Javier Blas

ICYMI

Altadena is rebuilding together. Honeybee deaths are surging. The gig economy's deactivation issue.  Bodies of missing US soldiers found in Lithuania.

Kickers

Snake sperm helps Jessica Simpson sing? Steak fries are more controversial than ever. Far-right matchmaking to repopulate the Earth.

Notes: Please send shoestring fries and feedback to Jessica Karl at jkarl9@bloomberg.net.

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