| This is Bloomberg Opinion Today, a lab rat swimming in Bloomberg Opinion's opinions. Sign up here.  Photographer: Matthew Stockman/Getty Images North America Pour one out for the US Army's chief marketing officer: After spending $11 million on a blowout publicity bonanza with the United Football League and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, the Army ended up losing 38 enlistments. The details, from Military.com, are disheartening: The Army agreed to pay The Rock $1 million for each social post, but instead of the expected five, it only got two. The UFL's organizational skills were so shoddy that the Army is hoping to recoup $6 million from the deal. This is NOT what Bloomberg's Editorial Board meant when it said the military needs to persuade more citizens to serve. Seriously, what is the Army doing over there?? Our armed forces need to focus on preparing for nuclear Armageddon, they don't have time for disputes over The Rock's #sponcon. "Putin's buddies in Beijing are rapidly building out their own nuclear arsenal," Andreas Kluth points out. North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is also knee-deep in nukes and Iran's mullahs could be soon, depending on what happens in the Middle East. Just this week, Marc Champion notes, Israel eliminated not one, but two Hamas officials — a pair of assassinations that "could soon light the fuse to a potentially catastrophic regional war." At the same time, Russia, China, North Korea and Iran "are learning how to insulate their economies, bypass sanctions and counter the US's military advantages. … Trump's agenda would more likely weaken, not strengthen, America's global position," the editorial board says. One might say the same about a brand deal between the US Army and a barely breathing minor football league, but alas. Bonus Battle Reading: Africa risks repeating the world's deadliest conflict since WWII. — Justice Malala Today's Bloomberg Opinion Olympic debrief is brought to you by Big Parma (not to be confused with the medical–industrial complex's Big Pharma). Let's get into it! - Air Horse One is a wild ride.
- A Norwegian swimmer is in love with chocolate muffins.
- There's tea between the gymnasts and MyKayla Skinner.
- Simone Biles has a clearance of 8.4 corgis.
- You try competing in archery or fencing while pregnant!
- Guatemala got its first gold medal ever.
- Women's rugby is insanely cool.
- No other swimmer can touch Katie Ledecky.
- The Olympic Gender Reveal competition is so boring.
- The triathlon finish line looked like a renaissance painting.
Speaking of that last one: $1.5 billion later, people finally swam in the Seine after the event got postponed by health inspectors. This is pretty much what everyone looked like when they came to the surface: David Fickling says athletes willing to swim in sewage are little more than "lab rats" for Paris Mayor Anne Hidalgo. "It's a lovely idea that the rivers flowing through our mighty cities might one day return to their once-pristine conditions. But it's a fantasy," he writes. "Urban rivers are some of the most unruly features of our environment, and don't meekly submit to calendar schedules or political will. By promising a race in the Seine on a specified date at the mercy of rain and river conditions, Hidalgo and the Games' organizers have turned elite athletes into guinea pigs for the sake of a photo opportunity." Was it worth it? Read the whole thing. This week, a new analysis revealed that 3 out of 5 adolescents and young adults who died by suicide had no known mental health diagnosis. The obvious step is to take away the most lethal method of suicide, Lisa Jarvis argues: "Gun-owning parents must keep their weapons out of the hands of children and teens." A startling two-thirds of gun owners with children still don't follow safe storage guidelines, and kids are quick to overreact to intrusive thoughts. "When we think about suicide in youth, we know that it is often impulsive — there is not often a warning sign," Sofia Chaudhary, an assistant professor at Emory University School of Medicine, tells Lisa.  The Park Fire in Northern California is freaky fast and very scary: Mark Gongloff says it's "currently pushing 400,000 acres, the sixth-worst in state history, and may pick up speed again as the weather warms later this week." Although we've gotten better at fighting fires in recent years, they're becoming hotter, stronger and more destructive. "Climate change makes extreme wildfires 25% more likely," he writes. "In the case of the Park Fire, for example, the winter's heavy rains (another thing to expect in a warmer climate) encouraged a riot of plant life. Then an oppressive, long-lasting heat blob drove temperatures to record highs and desiccated all that plant life. The bomb was set. All it took was a spark (in this case, one idiot pushing a burning car into a gully) and some wind to create an inferno." Finally, Boeing makes the right call when picking its new CEO. — Thomas Black JD Vance was supposed to be a MAGA heir. Now he's a liability. — Patricia Lopez A fifth of Americans just saw an 833% jump in the cost to ensure the lights stay on. — Liam Denning The Bank of Japan's big day was lost in a communication black hole. — Gearoid Reidy Japan's chip startup is right to shoot for the moon. — Catherine Thorbecke Elon Musk has his own clean-up crew at X: Linda Yaccarino. — Beth Kowitt It's not silly to ask whether the Fed should buy some Bitcoin. — Tyler Cowen The US can help protesters bring down Venezuela's corrupt leader. — James Stavridis Trump claims Harris "became a Black person." TikTok HQ had a mass food-poisoning outbreak. Nvidia adds a record $329 billion in value. Washington, DC is suing StubHub. The CDC has new rules for dogs abroad. Why are there so many birds? Thank a giant asteroid. Don't mess with the High Line's 16-foot-tall pigeon. Billie Eilish and Charli XCX are dropping a remix. Dungeons & Dragons celebrates its 50th anniversary. Notes: Please send pigeon pics and feedback to Jessica Karl at jkarl9@bloomberg.net. Sign up here and follow us on Threads, TikTok, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. | 
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