Dear Sir or Madam,
Howey, Cheatum and Wye is a professional legal services firm representing the United States of America and its many agencies and regulators, including the SEC, the IRS, the FTC, the CFTC, and the FU.
You are receiving this notice because it appears from your social media presence and/or the substantial capital gains taxes you have contributed to the United States economy that you may be interested in "cryptocurrency", "digital assets" or "NFTs" (collectively "the prohibited activity").
We would like to note that building or engaging with a company that either directly, or indirectly, or tangentially, or possibly, has anything to do with "the prohibited activity" is grounds for deportation to somewhere unpleasant.
Under the mandates established by Authoritarian Decree 1-56-898 section C, subsection a(2), paragraph 7 (revised) you are further notified that your right to engage in pursuing opportunities related to financial empowerment of any sort is curtailed as of this writing, and that efforts on your part to better your situation will lead to the removal of at least one, but not more than three, minor appendages (with extreme prejudice).
You are further given notice that the acquisition, ownership, disposition, or occasional wistful glance in the direction of cryptocurrencies is moving henceforth from a class IV misdemeanor to a class II felony, punishable by seven years in a Minnesotan hard labor camp and/or a romantic dinner with Gary Gensler.
We request (require) the pleasure of your attendance at a "Build A Firewall" ceremony to be held outside the New York Stock Exchange next week. The United States has concluded that sending cryptocurrency offshore will absolutely and definitely work, and that a tremendous, beautiful, shiny firewall will prevent undesirable cryptos from sneaking across our digital border.
We will be contacting you shortly to ensure that you have read and understood these rules, so do please study for your upcoming Howey test. We will not be clarifying any of the questions, and we will decide the correct answers based on our mood, whether we've had enough coffee, and the result of the Bengals game last night.
Finally, the United States government is currently outside your front door, and we have guns.
We thank you for your continued support of the United States of America, and the freedom for which it used to stand.
Sincerely,
Irma Crooke, Partner at Howey, Cheatum and Wye
P.S. Here at Howey, Cheatum and Wye, we are a family-friendly firm, and that family is the Corleones. So please think twice before you ignore this notice.
Note: Jon Rice may not be available next week.
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